okay...this is the first time in a long time that I am going to update my live journal and its not going to be the exact same as my xanga...hooo...

okay...last night I went to IHOP with some friends after the Drum and Bugle corp thing. *it was damn good, as always* After everyonne ate....they decided to leave...well everyone except me and...my ex. We talked for about 2 and a half hours. In the parking lot of IHOP...******this is going to be choppy....sorry...its just hard for me to say whats going on with me right now******* We talked about everything from jaybee and amanda to school and the military to freakin poker and blueman group. It was a good conversation. Its been so long since we were able to sit down and actually talk...since we broke up over what...2, 3 years ago? It felt good. well 2:15 rolled around and I decided that I'd probably get home. But we both said something and then just stood there...there was silence, but IIII wouldn't call it an awkard one?...I dunno. It was like a "okay take a deeep breath and walk away" silence...but i forgot the walk away part. I just stood there lookin at the moon. And I kept lookin down and he was lookin at me...and shaking his head and smiling. Which freaked me out.....i love being able to tell people "yeah I'm over him"...define over please...I miss him...yes...I still love him....always. it kills me that he doesn't feel the same way...or...i dont know if he does...hes head over heels for amanda...and i'm not "jealous" any more about that...he mentioned that he didn't understand what it was between her and I....and i didn't even think about my response, it just came out..."she got a lot of things i deserved"...wow...WHAT DOES BEING OVER SOMEONE mean? I guess i never got the memo on that one. I guess you dont get over your "first love" blah...that sounds weird. maybe...its the...i want what he and amanda have?? maybe? I've been with the boys...i'm ready for a real relationship. Man I can't even think straight right now. all i know at this point is I miss Sam. I miss talking to sam. I am in NO way saying....i dont know. This is very difficult.

to those of you who read this journal and my xanga...i'm sorry...two completly different posts...and...they probably contridict themselves...oh well...you'll get over it...its just that last night was....weird.